Becoming Full-Time Guardians (at 24 years old) to an Adult with a Disability

Posted on July 25, 2023

STORY TIME!

You may have read my small blurb in “Our Mission” section on my site, or even the much longer version of my life story on “Our Family Album” page, and thought “Who is Timmy?” and “Why does he live with them?”

Or not!

But, this post is solely to share our experience as being a Full-Time Guardian, to a person only a year younger than us, while starting a marriage and family of our own.

(You can read my other post about Tim, and what we have done to help his life turn around for the better, a post coming soon! But for now, this is the “Story of Tim”).

I understand most people may not ever go through this exact situation, or may never even have to make these types of decisions, but I do know that there are MANY people who will relate in their own way, and may benefit at least something from it. This is my sole reason of the creation of the ‘Maternal Brick Road Blog.’ Whatever I can do to share about our life, I will share. And I will be straight forward with it all. If you can benefit from something I convey, then you are free to take the information how you will!

TIM’S STORY

Timmy is my Brother-in-Law, but there is more to the story than that. I cannot speak for my In-Laws on why exactly they chose to foster and adopt, but I do have small details of what they went through when doing so.

1997 –

My Mother-in-Law gave birth to my Husband in 1995 after they had some trouble carrying children to term. My Mother-in-Law was a Special Needs Teacher, and my Father-in-Law was a Priest. They had fostered children before my husband’s birth, and then Timmy came along years later, as well as fostering others during this time. He was born in 1997, but was young elementary age once they decided to foster and adopt.

My husband and I are not sure, exactly, what Tim’s “Diagnosis” is, other than he has some Developmental and Cognitive Disabilities, as well as some Physical Disabilities. His balance and coordination are unstable, his cognitive abilities are at an elementary level (for example, reading, math, money skills) and his independent living decisions are not appropriate for his age. Other than that, Tim can have a complete conversation with someone. He is very social and enjoys being that way! He is completely competent in following directions given, but needs minimal steps given at once, with more reminders.

– 2016

Tim lived with his (adoptive) parents, my mother and father-in-law, all through out his adolescence. He went to regular public school with my husband (we all went to the same high school), while attending classes through the Special Needs Program. He graduated from High School in 2016 (three years after my husband, two years after me), with a Certificate of Completion. From there, he attended a Post High Program; as well as having resources from Social Workers and Teachers to help him with goals in life after high school, to learn skills for Employment and/or living on his own. My Mother and Father-in-Law were only Part-Time Guardians after he turned 18, basically being there to make decisions for him, for Medical and Monetary reasons.

2017-2020

A few years after he graduated high school, he ended up moving into an apartment with another couple young men who also needed assistance, as they were learning how to live on their own (with daily drop-in support from community caregivers). This lasted, maybe, a couple of years. My husband, nor I, had anything to do with him or his decisions at this time, other than him being my husband’s brother and my future Brother-in-Law. So, in my perspective, Tim living on his own was a good experience for him to go through in young adulthood, but he did not get all the assistance and necessary support that was needed.

He got very lazy and started gaining weight, wasn’t attending school or work, would sleep all day, and watch TV/play video games all night, ate very unhealthy, and was starting to make relationships with people that were changing his behaviors poorly. He needed more guidance and supervision in his life. We visited him and invited him occasionally to things. We helped out by driving him to different destinations, or bringing him to get groceries, as he can’t (and most likely never will) drive, but there was nothing else we could do to help him. He was not our responsibility, we were not his caregivers, we did not have any legal rights to make decisions for his well being.

AUGUST 2020

During this time after graduating high school, my Mother-in-Law went through many medical issues. She had beaten Breast Cancer when my husband was in Elementary School, and when she was even younger, she had gone through another type of Cancer in her face and neck. That specific Cancer had come back after the boys graduated. They had hope as she had beaten it once before, but it slowly was taking over through the years. In 2020, Gail, my AMAZINGLY patient, loving, and calm Mother-in-Law, passed away. At this time, my Father-in-Law was not able to take responsibility for Tim’s well being anymore, and Gail had asked my Husband and I to take Tim in.

At this point, my husband and I had only been married for 2 years; we had hopes of having children in the near future, and we had only lived alone as a couple for about a year and a half. My husband was trying to take care of his Father, as well as dealing with the passing of his beloved Mother, and now we were asked to take in a young man in his early 20’s, that we would most likely take the responsibility of for the rest of our lives.

My husband and I had had this conversation multiple times over the 7 years of our dating; if we were to get married, that Timmy would one day end up coming to live with us when his parents got older and were no longer able to care for him.

We did not expect it would happen this early in our lives.

I was angry. I had barely spent time with my husband alone. I had barely spent alone time in our first home. We were young. I hadn’t even gotten the chance to get pregnant and raise any children yet.

Gail put this request on us a week or two before her passing. At this point she was very hard to understand and was becoming blind and having trouble speaking, as the tumors were taking over sections of her face. We had no information, and Tim was now acting out, getting into trouble, while dealing with anger issues. No one had control over him, not even himself. AND it was during the times of COVID. I couldn’t handle this request. I had never gone through such a major decision in my personal life before, and I wasn't ready to make this decision at 24 years old (my husband being 25).

But, at the same time, I had to remember what my husband was going through. He had lost his mom, and his dad needed his help. We had conversations about it, some heated, and some cordial. In the meantime, one of Tim’s friend’s (one he had been living with, who was also adopted, and has special needs) mother offered to take Tim in. This was a total blessing! Or so we thought. We thanked God, as we were not emotionally or physically ready to take Tim into our home and care for all of his needs (ones we didn’t even understand at the time).

I’m not sure how our marriage would’ve stood up with that responsibility thrown at it so quickly, with no warning. BUT, about 6-7 months later, after having (a little more) time to make sense of what was happening and changing, the mother of Tim’s friend, the woman who took him in, had decided she was no longer going to care for either Tim or her son. The two young men were living in an apartment together at the time. My husband had to leave work and go pick them both up (as they were going to be kicked out of the apartment for some trouble they were getting into).

(I will not go into details about the friend as it is not our story to share. Although, Tim and him and still VERY best of friends, and in the best homes that they can be in. They still see each other monthly, after the friend moved away in early 2021. He comes and stays with us and then Tim will go stay with him, and they are both doing very well and are happy. We are thankful for this relationship that Tim has, as they are good influences on eachother).

2021

At this point, it was March of 2021. We had been given months to grieve and to keep tabs on Timmy (even though he wasn’t under our care), we had time to accept what would be in our future and even though we hadn’t been 100% ready for him to enter our lives - full time - and become his caregivers, he needed us, so we stepped up.

He came to live with us immediately in our small home. He slept on a futon in our dining/living space. He was still getting into (some small) trouble when we weren’t home. Oh! And now, I was about 5 months pregnant with our first child!

If we didn’t take Tim in, he would have been taken into care by the State. At that point, it would’ve been too hard to try and take guardianship from them as we were not legal guardians or parents. As well as they would have been allowed to send him to any group home or assisted living anywhere in the state, as far as I’m aware. My husband was not going to let that happen to his brother.

Thankfully, the friend’s mother who took Tim in, never ended up going through all of the paperwork to become his guardian, and so we didn’t have to deal with her giving us permission. She was just a temporary guardian.

SO! In July of 2021, we were granted Full-time Guardians of Tim, and this was a blessing, because he needed it.

We now make all decisions for him as best as we all decide together, as if he were our own child.

2023

He accepted this life change, and has excelled since being with us. At the time of me writing this blog post, it is now July of 2023. We have moved into a larger home.

(A post will be coming soon regarding our fun experience renovating a home. Within months of Timmy coming to live with us, and me being 3 weeks until giving birth to our first child, we decided to purchase my Mother and Father-in-Law's home and renovate the whole thing. And during this process, we moved in with my family into their home!)

We now live in a better suited space for our growing family. From an 1100 sq ft home on a patch of grass (haha), to an 1800 sq ft, 3 acre piece of property. My husband and I have a large Golden Doodle, 7 hens and 1 rooster, a 2 year old daughter (another little girl on the way), as well as my Brother-in-Law, Timmy, a 26 year old young man, who lives with us full time.

Tim is a MAJOR help in our household. Although he can have an attitude at times (can’t we all), he is very respectful, follows his daily schedules, helps us out with anything we need, and spends time out in the community as well as with his friend who comes to stay with us monthly.

If you are interested in the activities he takes part in, what his daily schedule in life is like at the age of 26 (this includes schooling, chores, and activities), and how his behavior has turned 180 degrees, check out my blog post - COMING SOON!

We are so proud of who he has become!

Meet Tim!